Guide to Being a
Compleat Prat in a Car
A Scraggy Boggins' Guide




This is Scraggy's definitive guide to this very special subject. It is plainly evident that many people wish to be Compleat Prats in their cars, but they lack the detailed knowledge. This guide is designed to bridge the gap between the desire to succeed and the ability to succeed. It should be noted that it is not necessary to have all these attributes and in some cases just one is more than adequate. Pillocks are people too feeble to attain any degree of committment to any of these attributes, but frequently display some of them in a half-hearted fashion.



  1. The Attachment of BullBars / NudgeBars
    Here we have the perfect way of displaying your contempt for other people and their safety. Modern vehicles are designed to give the other person the best chance of survival in pretty unpleasant circumstances. These little goodies make sure that they have virtually no chance at all. The big chrome ones with no chance of even seeing a bull, let alone nudging it, are much the best and achieve amongst the highest points available.
    5 Stars.

  2. Use of Front Fog Lamps
    It is important to drive around at night in clear conditions with these lights on, in order to achieve maximum points. Pillocks will turn off their main lights and only use the foglights, fully fledged Prats use headlights and fog lights for maximum irritation value. Trying to justify the use of these lights helps to raise your score an extra point. As they serve no useful function to the driver, these are excellent Prat indicators.
    3 Stars.

  3. Using the Mobile Phone
    The best time to use the mobile phone - hand held of course, only wimps have hands free - is in town and when negotiating roundabouts, junctions, traffic lights and heavy traffic. Everyone is, of course, very impressed when a phone is used in any of these conditions. It is remarkable to watch the compleat wanker demonstrate his ability to cause a nuisance to other roadusers, whilst he himself thinks he is being so nifty and important.
    3 Stars + 1 if a Regular

  4. Lane Changing and Merging
    Always a good one this, it irritates most ordinary people. On the motorway/dual-carriageway you change lane without warning, right in front of someone when there is only just enough room. This causes other people to slam on their brakes and sometimes there's even an accident, but who cares, you're well out of it by then anyway. The technique is very well used when there is lane closure and you drive to the front of the queue and just barge in.
    4 Stars

  5. Centre Lane Only Drivers
    CLODS to those in the know. In this particular exercise it is important to remain in the centre lane of the motorway under all circumstances. An extra point is gained by not exceeding 70mph and even on occasions driving slower than this. No-one is able to understand this particular activity and so it has great Prat value. There's no law against it, the police don't like it and other drivers don't like it - this is a good one to prove your point.
    3 Stars

  6. Closing the Gap
    You're driving along a normal road in a queue of cars headed by a truck, bus or caravan, when what do you see in your rear-view mirror but someone who wants to overtake! No way Pedro!! So what you must do to make sure that he never does anything like that again is - close the gap between you and the car in front just as he draws level with you. With any luck something will come the other way and there'll be a nice big accident, but that's a bonus.
    5 Stars

  7. Tailgating
    With this exercise you demonstrate your ability to show what little roadsense you really have and how little regard you have for yours or anyone elses safety. You do this when the person in front won't move over to let you pass, when you are being stupid or when you are tired of life. The best time to do this is on the motorway in a stream of traffic and you imagine that being one car further in front is going to make a difference to your life.
    4 Stars + 1 for thinking your car is better!

  8. The Personalised Number Plate
    You don't even see the thing when you're in the car, it means nothing to other people, but its your pride and joy. You've probably moved the letter spacing, you may have an unusual typeface, you may have trimmed the plate itself. Had you ever thought, that if that's all you've got to do with your money, then it was not worth earning in the first place! Ho-Hum. As a gesture of defiance against ordinariness, it must rate as one of the all time sad gestures.
    2 Stars

  9. Keep Your Place
    Pretty low grade this one - or petty low grade is more like it. In this exercise you must be prepared to maintain your place in a queue at all costs. You are in a traffic jam when you see someone who is coming from a side road either to join the same jam or cross over your lane for some reason. DO NOT let them in. If they wish to cross your lane it is particularly bloody-minded to close the gap, even though it makes no difference to you at all.
    2 Stars + 1 for pretending not to see

  10. Foreign Cars are Best
    Germans, French and Italians buy their home produced cars. It just is not British to buy a British made car - they are unfashionable, unreliable and unattractive. A Murk, a Break My Window or Nicole's Clio are far superior, after all they told us they are. Bugger the British economy - these are better engineered than the British things - aren't they? Anyway what self-respecting yuppie, solicitor, accountant or Barclays banker wouldn't have a beemer. One woman I know, proudly announced that she was never going to buy another British car after trading-in her Vauxhall Nova for a Nissan Micra. Stupid Cow! The Nova was made in Spain and the Micra in Britain!!!!!!
    3 Stars + 1 for a Murk or Beemer + another for making stupid announcements!

  11. 4 Wheel Drive Off Road Vehicle
    First things first. If you have one of these pig mobiles - don't ever get it dirty, let alone take it off-road. The bigger, uglier and more Japanese it is, the more Prattish you are. The little Suzuki boxes are real Pillock material and you can add a point for being so gullible. The advantage of these vehicles is that they prove that you have no taste, you are a sheep and you are probably as thick as a plank. Spray on mud is available!
    2 Stars + 1 for trying to justify the vehicle

  12. Big Wings on Your Ford / Boy Racer Kit on Your Murk
    You have to be joking - you fell for it - what a prat. For the money you paid for the boy racer bolt on goodies, you could have bought a proper car - what a dickhead!
    1 Star

  13. The Noise Box
    Now this one takes different forms. The 'sports' exhaust just proves that you have virtually no ability at all and somehow you think this racket makes people think otherwise - very odd. But the other form is equally pathetic. Drive in town with your windows down and the volume on your sound box wound up really high. You must remember that noone else has a radio or stereo and they all think you're really cool - NOT! You're just getting deaf.
    2 Stars + 1 for both

  14. Road Racer
    Now here is the person living under one of the greatest myths of all driving time. You drive around like a maniac and somehow or another you imagine that you are a racing driver - or certainly as good as. The open road is your race track and everyone else on it is a slowpoke and you just have to beat them. Most of them are much better drivers than you, but you fail to notice that they are just not taking part in your rather stupid little race - which you will never win!
    3 Stars

  15. The Accident Ghoul
    You are a sad bastard with such a pathetic life that you have to slow down and gawp at another persons misfortune. So there's a dented car or two - so what - is it some kind of big deal? If you like seeing dented cars why not spend your weekends visiting scrap yards? Or maybe you want to see someone all smashed up - get your kicks from that perhaps - arsehole! Never mind that the rest of the traffic grinds to a halt so that you can satisfy your grotty, fucked-up curiosity, particularly if you are on the opposite carriageway - you are then a real wanker. What a sad life you lot must lead.
    4 Stars + 3 for opposite carriageway or you stop to gawp or you even change lanes to see better!

  16. Road Rage and Drink Driving
    You are the biggest wankers on the road - there's no more to be said.
    10 Stars - Each




    Well those are the guidelines, so how well did you score:

    25 and over
     Go and kill yourself. Do it quietly, miles from anywhere - for once do something that isn't trying to get attention. Do us all a favour, before you kill someone else who has some value on this earth. You aren't a Prat, that's too kind - you're the worst kind of animal that we all have the misfortune to share the road with.

    15 to 24
     You're a Prat. A Dork, a Dickhead, a Pea Brain. You're everything you always think that everyone else is. You've made it - you're a prize wanker. What more do you want - a freaking medal!

    6 to 14
     You're a Prat. A fairly average sort of Prat, but a Prat none the less. Have you ever asked yourself if it's really worth the effort - noone has ever been remembered for being a Prat. I've no doubt though, that your silly little games are too important to you to give them up.

    1 to 5
     You're either too feeble to have any courage in your convictions, or you're almost a reasonable person with a confused idea of the purpose of a car. With any luck this is only a temporary excursion into Prat Land - if not, gawd help you, you poor sod.



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