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 | The Musical Octopus ... All fingers and thumbs!! |
| The Shipwrecked Yuppie ... and the Amazing Woman! |
| The Final Demand ... An Australian Tale!! |
| 6 Short Stories ... Not all politically correct! |
| Condoms from Canada ... Size matters! |
| Welcome Aboard ... Exercise in customer care!! |
| Drink Australian ... Think Australian!! |
| New Chinese Proverbs ... Tang, he say! |
| The Flight South ... A moral tale! |
The man walks into a bar with his octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool
and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus and "He can play any musical instrument in the world."
Everyone in the bar laughs at the man and generally reckon he's an idiot. At that the guy announces that he will wager £50 to anyone that the octupus can play any instrument that they care to provide.
Immediately a challenger walks up with a guitar and sets it beside
the octopus who picks it up and starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. In amazement the guitar man pays up his £50. Another man walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. This guy also pays up his £50.
At this point a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with the instrument for a minute and then sits down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says.
"Can ye nae plae it?" The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I figure
out how to get its pyjamas off!"
An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... at least for awhile. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and it was lost instantly.
The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 4 star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next 4 months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen and she proceeded to row up to him.
In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up with me, nothing did."
He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh, simple." replied the woman, "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But - but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said, "Where do you live?"
Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but strategically positioned vines and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing to do for all these months? You know what I'm thinking, don't you?" She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean . . . ?", he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here???"
Dear Sir
Your letter arrived this morning in an open envelope and it would have given the son and myself much pleasure had it not revived in us a melancholy reflection of what had gone before. You say you thought the account should have been settled long ago and you could not understand why it hadn't; well here are the reasons.
In 1954 I bought a sawmill on credit. In 1955 I bought a team of horses, two ponies, a timber wagon, a double barrel shotgun and two razorback pigs, all on credit. In 1956 the bloody mill was burnt to the ground leaving not a damn thing; one of my ponies died and I loaned the other to a stupid bastard who starved the poor buggar to death. Then I joined the Church.
In 1957 my father died and my brother was jailed for rape. A tramp seduced my daughter and I had to pay the bastard $500 to stop him becoming a relative. In 1958 one of my boys got the mumps. It spread to his balls and he had to be castrated to save his life. Later that year while out fishing, the boat overturned drowning two of my boys - neither being the one who was castrated.
In 1959 my wife ran away with a sheep shearer and left me with twins as a souvenir.
I then had to have a housekeeper whom I married to keep down expenses. I had a hell of a job to make her pregnant, so I went to the doctor and he advised me to create some excitement at the crucial moment. That night I took my shotgun to bed with me and at the time I thought was right I fired the gun through the window. The wife shit the bed, I ruptured myself and the next morning I found I had shot the best cow I ever had.
In 1960 someone cut the nuts off my bull. I was buggered and took to drink and I didn't stop until all I had left was a pocket watch and a weak bladder. Winding the watch and running for a piss kept me busy for a while.
After a time I took heart again and bought on credit a manure spreader, a reaper and binder and another cow. Then came the floods and washed the bloody lot away.
In 1961 my wife got VD from a travelling salesman and one of my sons died from wiping his arse on an infected rabbit skin.
It surprises me very much that you say you will cause me trouble if I don't pay up. If you can think of anything I've missed out on I should like to know about it.
Trying to get money out of me is like trying to poke butter up a porcupines arse with a red hot needle, so I wish you luck in your efforts. I'm praying for a shower of possum shit to come your way and I hope the centre of it is over the bunch of bastards in your office who sent me this final demand
Yours sincerely
Bruce Foster
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times." Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal !"
A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."
A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Jewish men have the biggest diameter penises. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" "Tonto Greenburg, nice to meet you."
A man goes into a chemist and notices a special offer on 'Olympic' Condoms which were in three colours - Gold, Silver and Bronze. When he got home he explained them to his wife and said "Which shall we try first? Shall we go for Gold?" And she replied "No lets try Silver - it's about time you came second!"
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, 'I need a man, I need a man!' Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, 'Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!'
President Bill Clinton called Canadian Prime Minister Chretien with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried, "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"
"Bill, da Canadian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power to 'elp you," replied the Prime Minister.
"I do need your help," said Clinton. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Certainment! I get right on it!" said Chretien.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Clinton.
"Oui?"
"Could the condoms be red, white & blue in color, at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Clinton.
"No problem," replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Chretien hung up and called the President of Trojan Condoms. "I need a favour. You got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and sed'dem to Hamerica."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen, dey hab to be bleu, blanc et rouge in color; at least 10" long and 4" in diameter."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yah," said the Prime Minister, an' print 'MADE IN CANADA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said: "All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are returning and want to get on, get your asses on the train now, cause we're going down the tracks!"
The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language."
Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." Then, the child added, "And for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, see the bitch in the kitchen."
An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Jill, the barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent. Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for the deed. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar. But tonight he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner. The girl is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention. She goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from and he tells her Melbourne.
"So am I" she says. "What suburb in Melbourne" she asks.
"Glen Iris" he says.
"That's amazing" she says, "so am I - what street?"
"Cameo Street" he says.
"This is unbelievable" she say's, "what number?"
He says "Number 20" and she is astonished.
"You are not going to believe this" she says, "I'm from number 22 - my parents still live there!"
"I know" he says, "your father gave me $1,000 dollars to give to you!"
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* Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.* Virginity like bubble, one prick - all gone.* Man who run in front of car get tired.* Man who run behind car get exhausted.* Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.* Foolish man give wife grand piano, Wise man give wife upright organ.* Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. * Man with one chopstick go hungry. * Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. * Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it. * War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left. * Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse. * Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night. * It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it. * Man who drives like hell, bound to get there. * Man who sit on tack get point.* Man who stands on toilet is high on pot. * Man who lives in glass house should only undress in dark. * Man who farts in church sits in own pew. * Man who jumps from tall building, jumps to conclusion. * Crowded elevator smells different to midget. |
Once upon a time there was a non conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid.
A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings! Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by, and heard the chirping. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.
The Moral of the Story:
Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.
Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.
And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, just keep your mouth shut.
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| Send mail, comments & suggestions to | 
| nicholson@tcp.co.uk |
