The Englishman opened his box and found beef sandwiches as always and in anger he said "If I've got beef again tomorrow, I'm jumping off - I've had enough of this!" The Scot found Tuna in his as always and said that he would join the Englishman in protest if he had Tuna the next day aswell. The Irishman had cheese in his and he swore to join the others if he had cheese the following day.

Lunchtime the next day was a sombre occasion for the three friends. One hundred feet up they sat and in turn opened their lunch boxes. The Englishman found to his disgust that he had beef again, the Scot had Tuna and the Irishman - cheese. Together, as agreed, they jumped off and fell to their deaths.

At the combined funeral the three wives tried to console each other. The Englishman's wife was saying how much she thought her husband enjoyed the beef sandwiches she made him each day. The Scotsman's wife said the same of the Tuna she gave her husband. But the Irishman's wife was distraught and said that she just couldn't understand it as Paddy always made his own sandwiches!

A famous artist was brought in to create this masterpiece and he was hidden away from all eyes while he worked on his epic. A year later the painting was finished in time for the great day in Washington when the Daughters of America met in order to donate this artifact to the Nation. All the Blue Rinse were there and the First Lady of America was to perform the ritual presentation.

A hush descended over the great hall as the moment arrived for the painting to be revealed. A gentle roll of drums sounded as the curtain was pulled aside to reveal the great work. And there it was - an enormous canvas with a lovely blue lake painted in it's center, with a fish leaping from the water with a beautiful halo around its head. All around on the shores of the lake were the most detailed pictures of Indians - bonking and fornicating!!!

You can imagine the uproar, the chaos and the distress caused by this abomination. The Blue Rinse turned Purple and very soon an explanation was demanded. The Artist was found and dragged up onto the stage where the distraught First Lady demanded that he should explain this insult.

The artist himself was most confused and distressed as he said "But you asked for a painting of Custer's Last Thoughts!" "Then what is the meaning of this?" shouted the First Lady and the artist replied "Well I figure he was thinking - 'Holy mackerel - where did all those fuckin' injuns come from?'"

The leprchaun, being a kindly soul, took no heed but instead proclaimed, "You have been chosen to have three wishes - so use them wisely." At that he dissapeared as quickly as he had come and the old crone was sure that it was only a dream. Just out of contempt the old lady shouted meanly - "Alright then - I wish this rocking chair was a pile of gold!"

"POOF" - and there she was sitting on a pile of gold and the tom-cat ran scared, straight into the bushes. At this remarkable event the old crone thought carefully about her next wish and then said - "I wish I was a gorgeous young princess!"

"POOF" - and there she was, standing in all her glory as the most beautiful young Princess imagineable. At this revelation she realised that she needed a partner and immediately thought of her trusty tom-cat. She said very seductively - "I wish my old tom-cat was a handsome and desirable Prince!"

"POOF" - and she saw scrambling out of the bushes the most magnificent, tall, dark and seriously good-looking Prince. For a moment they stood and gazed at each other, then slowly and intensely they went towards each other until they met. They looked longingly into each others eyes and the Prince, ever so tenderly, but with a brooding passion swept her up into his arms and wispered ever so softly into her ear - "I bet you're sorry you had me neutered now!"

The barman was fascinated, and while he fetched the drinks he looked at the strange group with outright curiosity. The man paid, took the drinks and sat down with the animals. Twenty minutes later, when they had finished their drinks , the ostrich made its way to the bar and ordered the same drinks. Conversationally the barman remarked on the cat's expensive taste as the ostrich paid for the round.

Twenty minutes later and they had again finished their drinks. This time a heated discussion took place between the group and it ended by the cat saying - "Good night" - and leaving. This really got to the barman who beckoned to the man to come to the bar. "What on earth is going on?" said the barman, full of interest, "What's with the cat and the ostrich?" "It's all a bit odd" said the man ...

... I was working in the garden about an hour ago, when I dug up this old metal pot. I rubbed it on my sleeve to clean it up a bit and all of a sudden this strange person emerged from the opening. After a moment this person collected hi'self together and said - "I've been trapped in that pot for a thousand years and you have kindly released me - for this great deed I grant you one wish." I was somewhat amazed at this, but after a moments thought I said "Thanks very much mate - if you don't mind, I'll have a long legged bird with a tight pussy!"

He was about to leave in a great hurry when the young lady said in a very seductive voice - "Hello Father Christmas - will you make love with me as a present?" Very flustered by all this, Father Christmas quickly replied - "Ho Ho Ho, got to go, deliver presents in the snow!" The young woman was a little put out by this rejection and quickly removed her blouse to reveal her perfectly formed assets. "Please Father Christmas!" she begged.

Father Christmas was sorely tempted, but remembered his duties and again quickly replied - "Ho Ho Ho, got to go, deliver presents in the snow!" At this the very nubile young girl removed all her clothes and stood in her utmost provocative manner and said again in a deep husky voice - "But Please Father Christmas!" This was all far to much for Father Christmas who immediately replied ...

Hey Hey Hey, got to stay, can't get up the chimney with me dick this way!"

One day as he patrolled the beach he noticed an executive jet approaching and it was very low. He waved and shouted, but was devastated to see it crash into the sea some way from shore.

Early the following morning as he was again patrolling the beach he saw a heap on the shore line. As he drew closer he realised it was a person and the slight movement meant 'they' were still alive. He quickly went over and turned the person's face towards him and was totally amazed to notice that it was the very beautiful, Claudia Schifpher. It was soon obvious that she was very shaken, but otherwise unhurt and was able to ask him - where was she? The man felt he had to tell her the truth and told her what little he knew and how long he had been there with no sign of rescue.

Although, in the beginning she was very sad and dissapointed, after a while the island grew on her. It happened also that, as time went by, a relationship developed between them and they grew to be very happy together on this wonderful island of theirs. But Claudia also realised that there was something which deeply troubled the man and one day she asked him if there was anything more she could do for him to make him happy. He said - "No, there really isn't", but after a brief pause - "Well there is just one small thing which would make me very happy!"

"Would you mind dressing up as a man?" She was crestfallen. She could not imagine why he suddenly wanted this of all things, but she determined to honour the offer she had made. Shortly after, she returned to him dressed in what mans' clothes she could find. He took her by the hand and they walked down to the long sandy beach where he had found her all those years before. They stopped by the shore and he said to her - "Would you now go to the other end of the beach and start walking towards me?"

She was totally mystified, but did as he asked. As she started walking towards him she was amazed to see him running towards her along the beach, waving his arms and shouting at the top of his voice ...

"Hey! Mate, guess who I'm screwing!"

The surgeon understood the man's distress and had one final suggestion. A witch doctor! It just so happened that he had heard rumours of a strange witch doctor in Glasgow who was supposed to have worked miracles. He gave the man directions, explained that there was probably nothing in it, but none the less wished him every good fortune and sent him on his way.

Some while later the man went to Scotland, found the address and decided that he had no more to lose and went inside. The door led to a dark and dingy staircase which in turn led to a landing with a single uncovered lamp dangling from the ceiling. It all looked very unpromising and so he turned to leave. Just at that moment a door on the landing creaked open and a crooked and twisted hand beckoned for him to enter. Too afraid to decline, he did as indicated and entered a small, dark room, stinking of unimaginable things.

He sat on the only chair in the room as the owner of the hand dissapeared behind a decaying and dreadful screen. For the next fifteen minutes, all kinds of nasty smells, terrible noises and strange lights, gave off from behind the screen. Suddenly it all stopped and a fearful voice told him to leave one hundred pounds and instructed that his organ would grow an inch each time someone said "Pardon" to him in the next twenty four hours!

It is not often anyone says pardon these days, so he felt he would have to help the situation along to see if there was any truth in this weird pronouncement. As he went into the street, he deliberately bumped into the first person he saw. The person absent-mindedly said - "Pardon!" and walked on, but to our friend something amazing happened. His organ moved in his pants and appeared to have grown about an inch!

This was beyond belief and our delighted hero determined to see if it would happen again. Once again he deliberately bumped into another passer-by who also obligingly said - "Pardon!" The result was the same and our hero was beside himself. So pleased was he in fact that he totally failed to notice an Asian gentleman in a hurry, running down the pavement. The two collided and our friend was sent sprawling. The Asian evidently considered it had been his fault and immediately went to help our poor friend from the floor, then he rushed on his way shouting - "A thousand pardons, a thousand pardons!"

The snail cleared its throat and said in a clear, but squeaky voice - "Excuse me, but are you about to enjoy a wonderful Christmas meal?" The man was stunned and replied - "Yes, but what's it to you?" Whereupon the snail replied - "My family and I are starving so I was wondering if you could spare us just a little!" The man was utterly gobsmacked and shouted angrily - "You cheeky little sod!" and promptly kicked the snail right over his own hedge and into his neighbour's garden.

He sat down again with his family and they finished their meal and not another thought was given to the incident. The weeks went by and Easter was soon upon them and once more they were to be found sat around the table. They were about to enjoy a feast of a meal when there was again a pronounced knock on the door. The father arose, strode to the door and threw it open only to find no-one there. Once more as he was about to shut the door, he noticed that this strangely alert looking snail was on the doorstep again.

The snail fixed him with a sad look in his eye and said with the utmost hurt in his voice - "What did you do that for?"

Over the years, many people questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but he would never reveal the significance of the remark. But one day, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong and he finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he was finally able to answer the question.

When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother miss-hit a ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window and it happens the neighbors were a Mr and Mrs. Gorksy. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex? You want oral sex? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

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